definition: cra cra
a shortened word meaning crazy
This is for all of you adoptive moms out there that feel like people just don't "get it". You feel like they all think you are a little bit cra cra! You have a jumble of emotions going on inside your heart and head that could explode on any given day, and the worst part is, you don't even feel like you can talk to anyone about it. Why? Because they don't get it.
There is something powerful that takes place in the heart of a mother during the adoption process. You start out like any normal human. You pray about it, you weigh all the pros and cons, you doubt yourself about a million times, and then you decide to go for it.
You are still normal at this point! You are excited and nervous all at the same time...
BUT STILL NORMAL.
You start filling out the endless trail of paperwork and sending things off in the mail....
and then it slowly starts to happen....
So what's wrong with "the waiting game"?
IT TURNS YOU INTO A CRAZY PERSON!
And God forbid if you actually get a match, or know, or have met the child....
AND THEN YOU STILL HAVE TO WAIT!
I'm telling you from one adoptive mom to another...
THAT WAIT can down right get the best of you!
It's like someone has taken a part of your heart and mind (the part that controls all of the normal rationalization and controllable feelings), and has placed it on the other end of the world.
You feel like you can't think straight, or even relate well to people until you get that piece of your heart back. In reality that piece of your heart is missing because it was stolen.
This child whom you may or may not have met yet has completely STOLEN YOUR HEART!
I'm talking, like taken it, and ripped it out, and turned it into mush!
YOU, YOURSELF, DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE
SUCH DEEP EMOTION HAS COME FROM.
Your heart is with the child and as soon as you can just get your arms around your child, then all will be normal in the world again! You will have that functioning part of your heart back because you will have your child and your family will be complete.
I'M SORRY...BUT YOU ARE JUST A MESS!
Your mind is consumed with all of this.
There are days that are good and you can daydream and think of all the fun memories that are to be made and the things you will do with your child.
That makes you smile...to yourself of course.
Then you catch yourself smiling and you look around to make sure no one is watching because it will just confirm that you are cra cra. (which they think you lost your marbles a long time ago, anyway)
Then there are days that are NOT GOOD!
Your mind takes you to this place, imagining your child that is alone in the world. That does not have a mom or a dad and who is waiting and waiting....
WAITING FOR YOU TO COME!
You long to be with your child so bad that you feel this ache in the pit of your soul. You actually feel like your heart hurts and it may pop out at any minute!
Well, I get it! Your heart hurts!
Your heart hurts because of that piece that is missing. That piece of your heart that not only was stolen, but that you gave away. If you were to cut out a part of anything on your body it would hurt.
Right now you have a hole in your heart...
and it hurts.
AND I'M SORRY!
THE WAIT STINKS!
It causes you stress and it brings out emotions that you sometimes stop and question yourself...
"WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?"
Psalm 6:3 states
My soul is in deep anguish. How long, Lord, how long?
Let me just tell you, dear sister, THAT is the power of a mother's heart!
THAT IS THE POWER OF GOD'S LOVE STIRRING IN A MOTHER'S HEART!
I have seen so clearly how adoption, along with the emotions, the sweat, and the tears, is such a beautiful picture of God's love for us. We are all adopted into His family.
All of the hurt in our heart and this longing to be with our child....
THAT IS HOW GOD FEELS ABOUT YOU.
Although the wait hurts, it hurts because God is pruning and shaping things in our lives...in our hearts!
Through the wait he molds us and perfects us into what He has called us to be.
His timing is perfect. We know that and we say that, but we still question it
at times during the long wait.
Yes, you question God!! We all have at times. It's ok.
But what that does is something powerful!
It strips us of our own strength. We get to the end of our rope! We throw up our hands and say,
"God, I give up!"
"I can't do this anymore!"
Then God says, "FINALLY, I HAVE YOU WHERE I WANT YOU."
"BREATHE, MY CHILD, BECAUSE YOU CAN NOW WALK IN MY STRENGTH."
You see, we were never meant to carry this load on our own. He has called us, so He carries us through the wait. And along that journey He shows us His heart.
WHAT IS GOD'S HEART? WHAT IS HE TRYING TO SHOW US?
Ephesians 3:16 ~ I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
So through this wait, if we discover how wide, how long, high and deep the love of Christ is,
Isn't that the point?
Aren't we called to be HIS HANDS AND FEET for this child that waits for us?
So through this wait, this ache, this longing, and this love....
It is what God is intentionally showing us...
so that we "may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God".
WHY DO WE NEED TO BE FILLED?
Because we will pour that fullness of God out to this little child that needs us.
So if you are in the middle of the "waiting game", if you feel that you have gone a little "cra cra" and that you really just can't think straight anymore...
I FEEL YOUR PAIN!
I haven't felt the "cra cra" since five years ago when we adopted our son, Nathan, from Ethiopia.
We went through 3 different countries and 4 years before we finally brought him home.
You talk about "cra cra", haha!
I have been able to look at children that I come across and say, "I will find you a mother." while in my mind peacefully saying, "Because it is not me." now for four years since we started Ordinary Hero. :-)
NOW, I MUST ADMIT.... IT'S BACK!
I have kids that are waiting on me again! That's all I'm sayin. :-)
I'm back to the days where my husband thinks I'm a complete psycho and I have lost my mind over these kids half the time.....
THIS TOO, SHALL PASS! :-)
God is faithful to complete what He has started and in the meantime we must draw from Him when we find ourselves walking in our own strength.
There is only one journey that will bring you to your child.
The journey is all a part of the plan.
God Bless all you cra cra adoptive mama's out there in the middle of the balance between "THE NORM" and "THE WAIT".
I've heard three times this week from other adoptive mom's who have said, "I don't feel like I can talk to anyone else because they just don't get it."
I just want you to know. I GET IT! :-)